Government preparations: They’ve got no defence

THE forward guns of the HMS Belfast in the Pool of London are permanently trained on the motorway services at Scratchwood, which means that if the enemy attacked via the M1 and stopped for fuel the war could be over in seconds.

But they might not come by road. They might come by air, in which case the Min of Def could deploy its brand new aircraft carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth. But not before 2021 because it hasn’t got any actual aircraft yet. The reason? Budget cuts.

And forget the army. Recruitment is down 30 per cent in some regiments and it turns out one in ten of those who have joined up are too fat to fight.

Now, no one wants us spending squillions on defence. Like Oliver Twist, the generals and the admirals will always ask for more. And maybe we don’t even need an aircraft carrier anyway.

But, given the government’s woeful lack of preparation for what was regarded as the country’s biggest security threat – a lethal pandemic – it does make you wonder how they would cope with a different sort of existential challenge.

Which didn’t stop them shamelessly exploiting the VE Day anniversary with characteristic jingoism.

How was it for you? I spent the day behind the sofa for fear that Boris Johnson would pop up on the telly to remind us that the wartime spirit of sacrifice and endeavour must now be deployed “in a new struggle against the coronavirus”. Which, inevitably, was exactly what he did.

As yesterday was the 75th the government awarded us a bank holiday, just what we needed when many of us are idling at home anyway.

Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t deny the remaining veterans like Captain Tom Moore their day of national gratitude and glory. But the “We’ll meet again” sentimentality is sometimes a bit over the top.

Happily, I was inoculated against militarism from birth by my ex-commando dad who used to say he’d never seen a sub-machine gun until he got back from Dunkirk, except, of course, for the ones the German soldiers had.

So much for “Be Prepared”. Subsequent generations of soldiers have had similar experiences, turning up at distant battlefronts without the right body armour or with the wrong gas mask. Apparently, the US military regard their Brit comrades as a breed of scroungers, always on the cadge for some bit of missing kit.

That said, I’ve always found them a cheerful bunch and highly efficient in difficult circumstances, as they are now in trying to sort out the government’s NHS supply cock-ups.

Maybe they deserve a bit less flag-waving and a bit more support from above. It’s the same with the nurses and care workers. There’s no point elevating them to the status of national heroes if you won’t pay them enough or buy them the right protective equipment – until it’s too late.

It’s no surprise that Johnson has gone full Churchillian in the current crisis – The Guardian said the country’s now run by a Churchill tribute act – but frankly it’s wearing a bit thin.

I’m just waiting for him to go on TV tomorrow to announce a relaxation of the lockdown and to tell us: “Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”

I’m taking bets.